Your tears slip...

08 June 2009 @ 10:52 pm

My breath is on your hair; I'm unaware that you opened the blinds and let the city in

We've finalized the menu, we've (ordered, addressed, and) sent out the invitations, we've finalized the cake order, we've picked out the flowers, we've gotten my dress fitted, we've picked out a veil, we've ordered the tuxes, we've planned the honeymoon, we've registered at a couple of stores, we've planned most of the ceremony, we've picked out and ordered the table favors, we've secured the photographer, we've hired the DJ......

We've done all of this stuff. Even tiny little stuff that you wouldn't even think about (such as, what kind of underpinnings to wear under the dress and what shoes to wear) have been done. Yet it still feels like there's a million things to do.

Oh, and we got jobs. :) That's a happy thing. Unfortunately, it just adds a million things to my To Do List. (Plan a trip to sign our papers because we got jobs out of town, get a teaching certificate in our new home state, find an apartment, figure out how to get new driver's licenses, etc, etc, etc.) But, overall, it's a very good thing. We both got jobs. In the same school district! It's something we were beginning to think would never happen, but it finally did.

The wedding is drawing near, and I'm so excited. I honestly can't think of much else. It consumes my thoughts, and I don't mind at all.

33 Days!

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19 April 2009 @ 10:54 pm

Forward looking?

I didn't get the job I applied for. Doug didn't get the job he applied for.

This whole searching for a job thing is getting really depressing. And it's made us pessimistic people, which I hate.

We're pulling through and moving on. Applied for new jobs today- both of us applied in Lincoln. We were so against staying here. All we've wanted for years was to get out of here, go back to Omaha or move somewhere new. But there are job openings for both of us, so we gave in and applied. Really, the reason why I cracked is that a job opened up at my favorite high school in the city- the one where I student taught. I probably wouldn't have applied otherwise.

So, things haven't been the greatest lately, but I have hopes that they're going to get better soon. I'm so hopeful that there's things to look forward to, that I'm going to make a list!

Things Amy is Looking Forward to:

Doug's graduation- less than a month away!
Alice's second birthday- in May
The end of the school year- in May for one of the school districts, and early June for the other
THE WEDDING! - less than three months away!

The wedding is getting so close... I'm getting so very excited. :) We finally got our invitations, and so now I really have to get cracking on the addressing of said invitations. I'm just such a slacker, though. I haven't even contacted a bunch of people to get addresses. Sigh. Also, we got to register this weekend, which was pretty darn fun. It was just fun to pick out all of the things that we'll get to use as a married couple. It's kind of surreal to think of that, but it's coming up so soon. :)

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08 April 2009 @ 11:15 am

I brought marshmallows! .... Occassionally I'm callous and strange.

It's been forever since I've written. I realize that. So, this really is the easiest way to do this...

Things I've Accomplished Since the Last Post:

1. I got a job for the semester. Two, actually. I can't remember if I wrote after I got my first subbing job or not. But, I am officially a substitute teacher for the school district in Lincoln. And then I got another subbing job at a school district right outside of Lincoln that has nicer kids. I pretty much work every day of the week, which is wonderful. It feels good to be a teacher again, and it feels even better to be making money again.

2. I ordered flowers for the wedding. It felt nice to finally get this done, and I'm really happy with how the flowers should look.

3. I ordered invitations for the wedding. After several trips to the shop to choose just the right invitation, several drafts of what should be written on the invitation and reception card, and several counting and recounting of how many invitations we need... we finally ordered. Whew. They should arrive pretty soon so that I can start the long and painful process of addressing.

4. I had an interview for a real teaching job for the fall. It's at a school district outside of Omaha. I'm really excited about the position, actually. Supposedly, I could hear as early as this week as to whether I got the job or not. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

5. I ran out of money. Lincoln Public Schools only pays once a month, and I just missed the last pay period. Right now I'm pretty much surviving my tax return and a prayer. Pay day comes soon, but it seems much too far away. I'm going to celebrate pay day by paying my rent and going grocery shopping.

6. I watched a lot of shows on Hulu. I'm loving the fact that they got the third season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Hulu. And House Hunters! Which is one of my geekiest television loves.

Things I Haven't Accomplished Since the Last Post:

1. I haven't gotten a fall teaching job. Yet. I really, really want the job that I interviewed for.

2. I haven't deep-cleaned my apartment. I've done a lot of surface level cleaning, but I need a day where I devote myself to cleaning and clean the crap out of this place. It's getting kind of sad.

3. I haven't done a ton of wedding stuff. Although it seems like I've done A LOT of things for the wedding, there is still way, way too much to be done.

4. I haven't written anything creative. At all. Nothing. I've felt kind of empty without it, but it's no one's fault but my own.

... And thus is my life since the last post. It hasn't been all that interesting, but at least I've been out in the world and working. Which makes me feel better about myself. So, you can at least know that this round of not writing isn't due to the fact that I'm depressed. I've actually been feeling pretty good about myself, which is kind of new to me. And I've been liking it. :)

So, until next time, adios... I'm calous and strange.

Amy

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14 March 2009 @ 11:35 pm

This is the sound of settling.

There's just been too much. Too much has happened since I last wrote. In fact, I can't even remember WHEN I last wrote, exactly. I assume it was some time shortly after I finished student teaching, but I'm not quite sure. There's too much to say, and the only way I can think to say it all it to write a list, of sorts. Of course, it will be one of my lists- aka bullets or numbers with a paragraph or two written about each point. Because that's the way I am, of course.

The Randomness of Amy' Life Since You Saw Her Last:

1. I graduated, enjoyed winter break, and then sat for quite awhile... just waiting for my application to go through to become a substitute teacher. I waited and waited, and then finally called to inquire about why it hadn't gone through. I was told I couldn't be employed because of some orientation I'd never attended. I cried, freaked out because I'm almost out of money, and then started to think about another job I could get.

Finally I realized that they had made a mistake. I called them up, straightened things out, and a week and a half later my application finally went through. Last week, I finally became a substitute. It's no glorious life, of course. In fact, it really sucks at times. But, I'm making money. FINALLY, I'm making money. And it feels so good to get back into the classroom again. I'd missed it ever so much. So, for now, this is a good thing.

2. A month or so ago, I was online minding my own business. I was just lounging around and browsing the internet, when my internet browser randomly closed. I thought it was strange, but just opened it back up again, ignoring the fact that I had no idea how it had happened. The next day, the pop-ups started. The day after, my icons were erased. The day after, my internet was disabled. The day after, they'd taken over my entire computer.

I paid over $300 to Best Buy to get my computer completely gutted- a process that took around three weeks, mind you. I finally got my computer back, and a week later it started up the same thing. I took it into BB and begged for them to fix it again free of charge, because I'm pitifully broke. They actually took pity on me and did it, and finally I have it back. Working well, for the time being.

I blame much of my LJ absence on my lack of computer. I had no way of getting online, except for my phone which can connect to facebook and Doug allowing me to use his internet for a few minutes every night. It made things very hard. Of course, not all of my absence can be blamed on the virus. Which I realize. And which I apologize for.

3. Wedding planning has been slowly progressing. My big accomplishment of this week was getting the invitations ordered. Almost all of the big things are done, but there still seems to be a million things to do. The wedding is less than four months away, and all I want is for it to get here. I want to get married to Doug. It's all I really want, actually. The wedding part will be nice, but I just want to get married and have him for the rest of my life.

4. I've been applying to a few permanent jobs for next year. The problem is, there really aren't a whole lot to apply for. March 15th (which is actually tomorrow, yay!) is Contract Day in our state. In other words, all teachers must have their contracts into their school district telling them whether or not they are going to be returning for the next year. On contract day, the Educational Help Wanted page pretty much blows up. I've been trying to tell myself not to get discouraged with the lack of jobs, because it will get better. There will be TONS of jobs- I know of four in Lincoln alone. Doug and I will get jobs, and we will be able to plan for our future. It's hard to not get panicky, but I'm trying.

5. Adrienne got a friend request on myspace from James on Thursday. Neither of us has talked to him for years, so she called me that night to update me on where he's been since our sophomore year. He's engaged to a woman who has two kids, living in California, and he just reenlisted with the Marines. When she told me, I was happy. I was happy to hear he was happy. I was glad he'd found his place.

I went to lunch with her today, and she told me that she'd exchanged a few messages back and forth with him. In one (after he'd asked her what was going on in Nebraska) she'd explained what was going on with her and then a few sentences about what Brian C. was up to and what I was up to. He responded with, "I don't want to hear what the f*** is going on with Amy and Brian. She's a f***ing bitch." Or something of that sort. Adrienne replied with some comment like, "I'm sorry, I figured you'd reached the maturity level where you'd want to hear what was going on with the people you once cared about."

The whole thing angered me. It really, really did. I just feel so mad that James still thinks he has the right to hate me so much for everything- to think that it's all my fault. It's not fair. I told Adrienne, after she'd told me this, that it wasn't fair for him to blame everything on me. James thinks that I'm a horrible person because I broke up with him and broke his heart. But honestly, he broke my heart too- it was just a longer, slower process. It's not as if I woke up one day and decided to break up with him. He drove me to that point.

And then once I'd broken up with him, I broke inside. I broke myself over and over, because I didn't know where to go. That year, sophomore year, I nearly killed myself with all that I did. In one semester, I became clinically depressed, severely OCD, a germaphobe, mildly anorexic, a self mutilator, and a severe insomniac. Writing about it now, remembering all that I'd become, hurts all over again. I never write about half of what I did to myself, because it hurts. I was broken. I fell apart... I fell apart because of him. But then I put myself back together. I picked myself up, put the pieces back together, and started to breathe again. I started smiling again. The next fall I met Doug, got to fall in love, and became who I am now.

So, it bothered me that he feels he owns the pain from our break up. That I felt nothing. Because I didn't. All I wanted over these past years was to hear that he was doing well. That he wasn't still mad or upset. That he'd been able to move on. I heard it, and I was happy. He heard about me, and he wasn't. And I guess I'm just going to have to accept that. In a way, it's nice. It gives me the closure that I've been searching for. I'm ready to burn the bag of letters that I found stuffed in a dark corner of my closet a month ago. I don't have to worry about him anymore.

Other Thoughts

I'm sorry it's been so long. I truly am. I wish my excuses could excuse me. (I think that sentence makes sense.) When I was unemployed, I was embarrassed. I actually didn't do a whole lot of talking to anyone for those two months. I was ashamed of myself, and I found it better to hide than do anything else. I was embarrassed of how pitiful I was- just sitting around doing nothing, waiting for something that might never come. I stopped talking to almost everyone, and unfortunately LJ went along with that.

So, here I am. I updated. I'm not sure how great of an update it was, but I did my best. I hope to come back soon, but you never know, I guess.

Until next time, adios...

Amy

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18 December 2008 @ 03:33 pm

He showed me death and said, "This is how you know you're alive..."

So, I promised quite a long time ago that I would write about my top 100 most played songs on ITunes. All throughout the semester I said to myself, "Yeah, I should really do that." I kept trying to remind myself, but yet I never seemed to have enough time.

Well, student teaching is over. Suddenly, I have time! Yay! So, without further ado and as little bit of side commenting as possible...

Amy's Top 100 Most Played Songs on ITunes (Song Name- Artist Name- Play Count)

1. Tiny Vessels- Death Cab for Cutie- 107
2. Sea of Doubts- Azure Ray- 103
3. She's My Ride Home- Blue October- 97
4. Chocolate- Snow Patrol- 97
5. Set the Fire to the Third Bar- Snow Patrol (featuring Martha Wainwright)- 97
6. We Looked like Giants- Death Cab for Cutie- 96
7. Dice- Finley Quaye & William Orbit- 95
8. The Only Living Boy in New York- Simon and Garfunkel- 95
9. Sound of Pulling Heaven Down- Blue October- 91
10. Someday You Will Be Loved- Death Cab for Cutie- 91
11. Run- Snow Patrol- 91
12. Fair- Remy Zero- 90
13. Wisemen- James Blunt- 89
14. Tears and Rain- James Blunt- 89
15. She's In Love- Swizzle Tree- 85
16. Made to Last- Semisonic- 82
17. Waterfall- Swizzle Tree- 82
18. Hey There Delilah- Plain White T's- 81
19. By the Way-  Red Hot Chili Peppers- 80
20. Sing- Travis- 80
21. Don't Panic-  Coldplay- 79
22. In the Sun- Joseph Arthur- 78
23. Fade Into You- Mazzy Star- 78
24. Wonderwall- Oasis- 78
25. Cast No Shadow- Oasis- 78
26. Otherside- Red Hot Chili Peppers- 78
27. Hunter- Dido- 77
28. Goodnight and Go-  Imogen Heap- 77
29. Marcs Car- Swizzle Tree- 77
30. Schizophrenia- Blue October- 76
31. Congratulations-  Blue October 76
32. Hide and Seek- Imogen Heap- 76
33. Don't Leave Home- Dido- 75
34. I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab for Cutie- 74
35. Isobel- Dido- 71
36. We are Nowhere and It's Now- Bright Eyes- 70
37. Star Mile-  Joshua Radin- 70
38. Hand Me Down- Matchbox Twenty- 70
39. Write You a Song- Plain White T's- 70
40. Incomplete- Backstreet Boys- 69
41. Cry-  Faith Hill- 69
42. This Place is a Prison- The Postal Service- 69
43. She's Got my Number- Semisonic- 69
44. I Shall Believe- Sheryl Crow- 69
45. Soul Meets Body- Death Cab for Cutie- 68
46. Let it Go- Blue October- 66
47. Come in Closer- Blue October- 66
48. If Everyone Cared- Nickelback- 65
49. Italian Radio- Blue October- 63
50. Paperweight- Joshua Radin and Shuyler Fisk- 63
51. Let Me Take You There-  Plain White T's- 63
52. A Lifetime- Better than Ezra- 62
53. Make this Go On Forever- Snow Patrol- 62
54. Clark Gable- The Postal Service- 61
55. The Way-  Fastball- 60
56. Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley- 60
57. Feels Like Summer Again- The Wallflowers- 60
58. Across the Universe-  Fiona Apple- 59
59. Viva La Vida- Coldplay- 58
60. Strage and Beautiful- Aqualung- 57
61. This Year's Love-   David Gray- 57
62. Here (In Your Arms)-  Hellogoodbye- 57
63. One Night-  Travis- 57
64. More Than Us-  Travis- 57
65. How Good It Can Get- The Wallflowers- 57
66. Brighter than Sunshine-   Aqualung- 56
67. Our Last Night- Better than Ezra- 56
68. Poison Oak-  Bright Eyes- 56
69. Shadow of the Day- Linkin Park- 56
70. Love You 'Till the End-  The Pogues- 56
71. Land Locked Blues- Bright Eyes- 55
72. Closer- Travis- 55
73. Orange Sky- Alexi Murdoch- 54
74. Mary's in India- Dido- 54
75. Closer to You-  The Wallflowers- 54
76. Vampires- Fastball- 53
77. Starlight-  Muse- 53
78. Such Great Heights- Iron & Wine- 52
79. 1973- James Blunt- 52
80. Move On-  Jet- 52
81. Say- John Mayer- 52
82. Different-  Acceptance- 50
83. Fools in Love- Inara George- 50
84. The Sun- Maroon 5- 50
85. Tuesday Morning- Michelle Branch- 50
86. Stop and Stare- OneRepublic- 50
87. Through Glass- Stone Sour- 50
88. Hotel Paper- Michelle Branch- 49
89. Save Me-  Remy Zero- 49
90. God Says Nothing Back- The Wallflowers- 49
91. Andy, You're a Star-  The Killers- 47
92. Mad Season- Matchbox Twenty- 47
93. Somewhere Only We Know- Keane- 46
94. X Amount of Words- Blue October- 45
95. She Will Be Loved-  Maroon 5- 45
96. Fall For You-  Secondhand Serenade- 45
97. When I'm Gone- Simple Plan- 45
98. Keep Breathing-  Ingrid Michaelson- 45
99. Midnight Show-  The Killers- 44
100. Brick- Ben Folds Five- 43

Amy's Side Comments:

Note all the repeat artists: Blue October, Death Cab for Cutie, Bright Eyes, Travis, and Snow Patrol to name a few. I get on kicks where I become obsessed with an artist or a group and I listen to that artist/ group over and over and over again. Thus, skewing my Top 100 resuts. I blame certain people for certain artists obsessions. Like Tyler- I blame my obsession with Bright Eyes on him. Maybe even my Death Cab obsessed phase as well.
I can't believe that The Killers didn't show up until #91! I love them. It just seems strange that they aren't higher up.
The Backstreet Boys... embarrassing? Yes.
When I went through the list and typed some of the names of these songs, they made me ache for the memories still stuck so deep within their lyrics. Oh the memories in these songs. They make me miss the past that they hold. Sometimes I wish I could be as innocent as I once was. Then, at the same time, sometimes I wish I could go back and tell my past self to stop being so innocent and naive.
I especially feel these feelings with the songs at the top of the list. Those are the songs that have been in my favorites for a long, long time.
I as surprised at some of my numbers. Especially considering I've had iTunes since my freshman year. Then I remembered how at the end of my sophomore year the hard drive on my old Dell laptop went psychotic and crashed, and thus I had to start over from scratch

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13 December 2008 @ 01:57 pm

We're going page for page, up in flames...

It's interesting, this semester being over. It's been sixteen weeks since I've felt this freedom, and now that's it here I'm not quite sure I know what to do with it. It's been so long, so vast. I've been thinking about the same thing for sixteen weeks... and now that it's all over, I don't know what to think about anymore.

I realize that sounds crazy, and you're right, it probably is. After all, I'm kind of a nut. It's true though. I'm in this totally funky mood today. Although I'm filled with relief and satisfaction that I'm done with student teaching, I just feel strange. Like I'm not sure what to do with myself. I've spent 16 weeks thinking about the same things: "Okay, I have to plan for ____ class and _______ class next week; so-and-so has to have his seat changed because he can't sit with those people anymore; oh crap, I have to modify that quiz for so-and-so because she can't read; I have to get my portfolio organized again..." yada yada yada, on and on my brain went for all those weeks. Now, it's over. Although I'm ecstatic, I just don't know what to do. What on earth did I think about before student teaching???

Nevertheless, I'm gloriously happy that it's over. Things with my cooperating teacher went slowly from bad to worse throughout the semester. I think she's just as happy to have me gone as I am to be gone. Well, there is one good thing I learned from the second half of the semester- I'm totally not cut out to teach middle schoolers. No wonder the burn out rate for a new middle school teacher averages at five years- those kids are exhausting. I just don't have the right classroom management style to deal with them. High school is MUCH more my style.

I would go through a big long update on what's been going on in my life since 16 weeks ago when I pretty much dropped off the face of the planet socially... but really, there isn't anything to say. My life revolved around student teaching, with a few random fun things thrown in. I don't regret that the semester made me into a complete social recluse. After all, it's what needed to happen for me to move on with my life- so why regret the inevitable? I'm simply saying that there isn't much to be said for what's been going on in my life, since there really hasn't been much at all. Hopefully that will be able to change, now that I'm out of the pause.

In other random news, I'm getting rid of my Xanga. I don't know why I'm writing about this, other than the fact that I've been thinking about it a lot. I'm going to delete it within the next week or two. I've been thinking a lot lately about why I've been holding onto it for all these years. I hardly use it anymore. I don't have any connection to anyone on there anymore. It's really just a bunch of old memories put into writing- a place for others to invade my privacy by reading entries from a time when I was much less sure.

So, why hold onto it? I asked myself that hundreds of times over the past year or two. When really, I know why I've held onto it. This is going to make me sound somewhere between shallow, melancholy, and strange, but I'm going to say it anyway. It's because a part of me wanted to hold onto the past. A part of me wanted to still have some connection to The Marine. James. I haven't even said or written his name in months, but there it is. I wanted to hold onto my history with James. Don't get me wrong- it's nothing to do with wanting to still be with him, or not wanting to be with Doug, or any of those things. I think it's merely because... back when I was with him, and also back during sophomore year when I had my third dance with Tyler in an attempt to forget everything... things were simple. That sounds strange, but it's true. I was so very alone back then. I didn't answer to anyone. I was lost in such a deep depression. Pulling out of that depression is the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire life, and I am proud that I was able to do it. I did that all by myself. I forgot about James all by myself. I walked away from Tyler all by myself. I stopped the desperation and endless nights all myself. I did it myself.

And that's why it hold on. It's not because of The Marine or a wish that I was still with him, but only because I want to remember the past. Remembering how low I once got pushes me to stay high, if that makes any sense. When I remember how bad it can get, I remind myself that I don't have to be there anymore. I don't have to be that girl that I once was. I was able to push myself out- all by myself- and I don't have to do it anymore.

I'm getting rid of my Xanga. I don't need it anymore. Plus, I'm sick of the prowler. Let me explain. Xanga now has this thing called "Xanga footprints." It's actually one of the first reasons why I stopped using Xanga on a regular basis. It's basically a tracking system so that you can see everyone who looks at your page. If it's a xanga user who's logged in, it will display the person's name. If it's someone else, it will take from their IP address and tell you what state the person lives in and how they got directed to your page.

And, I have a prowler. I've had one for years, actually. It's no mystery to me who it is, either. Every month or two, I'll go to my xanga page and check my footprints and see 20-30 hits in one night from someone with a Florida IP address, who was directed to my page by searching "[my username] xanga" in google. This person will usually spend about 15 minutes on my page, going back and back in time to my entries from freshman year and the summer of 2005 where he will stop and read all of the entries from that time. It's The Marine.

So, the other day I wrote a sort of farewell entry on Xanga. Here is what it said:

"Got an old suitcase full of journals, and I used to try to use them as a reference point. Now I realize that I run in circles, run in circles with a black ballpoint..."

I've got to get rid of this place. Xanga is all about a past that I don't feel like holding onto anymore. I haven't in quite some time, actually. The past is the past, and the future is the future. And a part of me believes that I've grown out of this place.

With Friday will come the end of student teaching. With December 20th will come graduation from the college that I've called my home for 4 and 1/2 years. With January 7th will come the eight year anniversary of seeing life through these new eyes. With May will come the end of my transition. And with July 11th will come marriage to the boy that's been so good at making it all right again.

My mind can often become blurred with the dates of memories from the past- surgeries, birthdays, cominghomes, goingaways, smiles, frowns, revelations... but maybe I don't have to be made up of all the past that's come before me. Maybe I'm bigger than the shambles that are my memories.

I've got to get rid of this place. If I were you, I wouldn't be surprised if it all disappeared very, very soon. So drink it in while you can, because soon it may all be gone.

"... Well, I've got an idea if you wanna try it. Meet me in the the yard by the barbeque pit. We can take everything we've ever written, make a great big pile and take a match to it. We'll have a journal burning party. We'll get a clean slate, honey..."

And so, that is what I wrote. A day or two later, I went to my xanga page, I had 30 hits on my footprints from a Florida IP address who searched "[my username] xanga." It's over, and I hope he knows that. I'm not going to hold on anymore.

By the way, the song is called "Journal Burning Party" by David Dondero. Ironically enough, that song came on randomly on iTunes while I was writing the entry. It was so ironic and wonderful that I had to quote it in the entry. Isn't it amazing when stuff like that happens? Nuts.

Anyway, that's the end of my random entry. I'm going to try to be good from now on and write more often. But I always say that, don't I? So, will it happen or not? Stay tuned.

P.S.- Twilight = Yay! Loved it. :)

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19 October 2008 @ 09:45 pm

(no subject)

News update on Amy's life: There really isn't any. Unless you consider the fact that I've become a total social recluse news, then there you go.

Student teaching is just as exhausting as it has been, even though I didn't really do a whole lot last week because it was transition week- switching from the high school to the middle school.

I've decided what the main difference between high schoolers and middle schoolers is, however. While most high schoolers are too cool/too tired/too not caring about life to pay attention at school and ask questions, middle schoolers are still young enough to have not been bitten by that bug. For instance, in a high school classroom when I would ask a question, I would hear crickets. Apparently it's too cool to answer questions asked by a teacher. In a middle school classroom, I ask a question and ten hands shoot up.

Me: Why do you think it's important to learn about the food pyramid?

Student 1: We don't want to get fat!

Student 2: Did you hear about that guy who had to be removed from his house by a crane??

Student 3: I heard that when you eat bananas, you get really fat really fast. Is that true?

Student 4: My grandpa drinks pickle juice.

Student 5: I hate pickles. Are pickles a fruit?

Honestly, that's generally how conversations go in the middle school classroom 99 percent of the time. Right now, I find it kind of cute. Ask me in a couple weeks and you'll probably hear another answer, heh. In other news on the middle school front... did you know that kids who were fourth graders four years ago will now be eighth graders? Yeah, I apparently didn't connect those two facts. I also didn't connect the facts that the school I did my elementary ed practicum for four years ago is right down the road from my middle school. And thus, the fourth graders who were so horrible that they convinced me I couldn't be an elementary ed major so I changed my major, are now in my class. Ironic? I think yes.

In other news, I did something social last night. Shock! Horror! Doug and I went out with a bunch of his friends to dinner and then we came back and played a bunch of Wii Mario Kart. (I still suck at that game. I miss N64 Mario Kart where I could actually succeed at something.)

Then after our incredibly fun night, I somehow sunk into a pit of sadness that has been likened to my sad days of 2005. And I somehow ended up telling Doug allllll about that horrible sophomore year of 2005. That sad semester where the only thing saving me from myself was Tyler. Yeah, that conversation went great.

Speaking of Tyler, he's all sorts of married and father-like and about to be deployed again to God knows where. Have I ever written about that? I'm not even sure. And speaking of ex-boyfriends whose names haven't come up for forever in my diary, I'm pretty sure James is gay. Either that, or dating a flight attendant from Lincoln. How did I come to these two conclusions? You don't even want to know. Or maybe you do, in which case, ask and I'm sure I'll tell you... haha.

This has been the most disjointed entry ever. It's wonderful in it's manic subject-changingness, though, isn't it? And hey, it's an update! As for now, I have to go to sleep though. Unfortunately tomorrow is monday and I'm still a week away from glorious fall break. Thus, until next time, adios...

-Amy

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10 October 2008 @ 10:37 pm

I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some...

I cannot believe how long it has been since I've written. It's almost embarrassing. I've been such a bad journal writer.

The semester of student teaching has been long, stressful, crazy, and sometimes even impossible. That's probably why I haven't written. Things were just too... insane. For example, let me outline a normal day for me on any given school day:

5:45 am: Wake up
7:10 am: Leave for school
7:25ish am: Arrive at school and run around like crazy getting things set up
8:00 am: School Begins
3:00 pm: After seven periods of craziness, school finally lets out for the day.
4:30-5:30 pm: I finally go home once I feel like I've gotten a handle on things for the day. Putting grades in the grade book, lesson planning, setting up for the next day, washing towels/aprons/wash cloths, cleaning, etc
Whenever I got home-whenever two hours later is: Lesson planning
Somewhere around 6:00-7:30 pm: Dinner
8:00ish pm: I finally sit down for my first moment of Me Time. This time is usually spent watching whatever is on TV that night and hanging out with Doug
Somewhere around 9:30-10:30 pm: Bed time for Amy.

I know that my journal entries are always scattered with a million and a half different excuses for why I haven't written, but this time I think I might actually have a good excuse. I've just been so... tired. Really, really, truly exhausted. I usually can't even stay up past 10:00 anymore. The only reason why I'm still awake and writing this entry is because I've had a crap ton of sugar today and I went out with some friends to dinner and I'm still on a high from that.

So, I do truly apologize for the lack of entries. But at least I'm here now, right?

So, what has been going on? How has student teaching been going? Have I strangled any students yet? Well, all in all things haven't been too horrible. I ended up getting placed at one of the hardest schools in the city. Whenever people hear where I am student teaching, they always say, "Oooooh, good luck with that!" It's true that it has been very, very challenging. The students I have in my classes have had very hard lives and that makes them very hard individuals, sometimes. I've had multiple discipline problems, I've been cussed out a few times, I've had to yell on the top of my lungs, I've had students tell me they hate me... but you know what? I really ended up enjoying it.

What my eight weeks at my first student teaching placement taught me is that I can do this. Last semester I started to reconsider my career goals. I stared to think that I might not have it in me to teach- that I wouldn't be able to discipline, wouldn't be able to come up with interesting lessons, etc. I expressed my fears and thoughts to my mom last semester, and she told me that I would do what I had to do. She asked me the other day if I'd been thinking at all about what I want to do now that I've been student teaching, and almost instantly I replied, "Teach. I want to be a teacher."

Being at that crazy school has taught me that I truly can handle this. I am a strong person. It took me about three weeks of being timid before I realized that being nice and pussy-footing around discipline doesn't work in classes such as mine, and then I found my will to be a strict teacher. I found my "teacher voice," as my adviser calls it. I am finally content in the fact that I am able to do this. I want to teach, which is something I will always have to thank my first student teaching placement for showing me.

I keep saying "first student teaching placement" because they make us do both middle and high school- eight week of each- in order to be endorsed in my teaching concentration. Thus, I will be moving on. As of monday, middle schoolers will be what is controlling my every thought and action for the next eight weeks. (Well, really it's nine weeks because we have a nice week of fall break in there.) I'm a little nervous, but I know I can do this. After all, I've found my "teacher voice."

I hope that I am able to update more. I don't like losing myself in the stress of the school year. I'm going to leave with the hope that I WILL update more. So, with that I will end this. Until next time, adios,

-Amy

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17 July 2008 @ 11:10 pm

Never an honest word... but that was when I ruled the world.

Blah. I hate the restlessness of summer. It's making me be a lot more difficult than I really want to be. Unfortunately, the ones who suffer most are those that I care about most- my family and Doug, mainly.

Things in the past week or so since I updated remain steady.

Work is work. I'm getting along pretty well with everyone- as well as can be expected, at least. The boys don't hate me anymore (and, in fact, have moved their dislike onto other people and have started including me in jokes again- which I consider to be a good thing) and everything is moving on alright. I'm pretty sure one of the kids in another department has a crush on me though, and it's kind of getting weird. He doesn't say anything to anyone- like, seriously. He's totally shy and reserved. But lately he's started coming through my line and buying things and he'll say stuff in this timid, small little voice. And he giggles. Seriously- he giggles. Hearing the small little giggle escape his lips is cute and sad all at once. I've started to try to hand him his change with my left hand so he doesn't get any ideas. Anyway, other than that, work is just work. I got an actual 40 hours this week for the first time ever- usually it's 39 or 38... just under full time. Our credit card system went out for six hours during my last shift though and it about drove me nutty. People are so mean when things don't go their way. I had several people actually yell at me- as if it was MY fault that the credit machines went down! Yes, I personally caused the entire system to crash! I only WISH I had that much power to throw around. Seriously.

Oh, I did have a pretty interesting thing happen to me at work the other day, actually. I somehow managed to meet someone with the EXACT same medical diagnosis as me. It's so rare of a diagnosis that I pretty much never thought I would meet anyone like me- let alone a customer at work, since I don't usually end up doing a lot of talking about myself at work with the customers, it just never comes up. I have adult-onset (non-trauma non-tumor) Hydrocephalus, which is so rare it's not even funny. It is as rare as its name is long. One in every 1,000 people has hydrocephalus, and less than 1% of those cases is adult-onset, and most of those are from trauma or tumors or something. And I somehow managed to meet someone at work with the exact same thing- the irony is still shocking to me. And guess what? She's a total bitch. No, seriously... a bitch. In the span of two minutes she managed to accuse me of saying the name of the disease wrong, she said that her doctor was better than mine, and she said that my shunt was the source of all my problems and her method of cerebral fluid removal was better. Okay: A. I totally don't pronounce it wrong. I say it just like all my doctors I've ever had have said it. I was a little paranoid after she accused me of this, so I looked it up on dictionary.com and did the little sound recording thing, and the sound recording said it just like me. SO HA!; B. Her doctor isn't better than mine. Especially if he doesn't even know how to say the name of it! I go to one of the top ranked neurosurgical departments in the country! As stated in the most recent issue of US News and World Report or something like that... I can never remember the name of that magazine, but they just said it. It's in the top ten in the country! SO HA!; C. I have to have a shunt; the method her doctor uses doesn't work in my case, so a shunt is the best option. And actually, when you calculate the number of surgeries I've had to have in the time since I've been diagnosed (Four surgeries in six years) compared to the number she's had since her diagnosis (Three surgeries in four years) my method actually seems to be better. SO HA! And... that's enough of my long random rant about my medical issues and the bitch I met at work.

Things with the family are going well. I've been, for the most part, getting along well with everyone- even my sisters. I was even nice when my oldest sister came home from vacation and revealed to me that she'd spilled water all over my copy of Twilight that I'd let her borrow. (Okay, I'll admit, I freaked out a little bit until she promised to replace it, but I was, all in all, pretty nice about it.) And my middle sister and I have been getting along really well, which is surprising for us- especially when we're both pretty stressed out. It's nice having her around on a regular basis again. I forgot how much fun we can have together. And I pretty much always get along with my parents, so nothing there has changed.

Things with Doug are going normally too. I'll admit, I've been crabby. I can't help it. Summer makes me restless. Plus, I've been PMSing. (Too much information? Probably.) Thus, I'm kind of a bitch sometimes. I'm trying harder to not be that way, though. I really am. Wedding planning is going well... I got my dress, and I'm completely in love with it. Too bad I have to wait 8-9 months for it to be shipped over from Spain, though. Sheesh!

Other than all that, life is just life. I've been trying to keep myself sane this summer and trying not to think too much about student teaching- which starts on August 18th. I've been keeping myself occupied at night (my most restless time and usually my only time to myself these days) with fluffy books, writing random and useless short stories, and watching movies until Breaking Dawn rolls around.

And, that's my update of the moment. My update of sorts. I'm in a weird mood these days. Like I said, it's probably the restlessness. I always feel this way during summer. I think that without the stress and huge amount of knowledge to cram into my head that I have during the school year, my brain is so empty that it feels... lost. And I get this restless feeling. It's the same restless feeling that used to make me break up with my boyfriends during summer- too much time to think. It's making me irritable and annoying, and I hate it. I'm trying to fill my mind with anything and everything, but I'm afraid I can only do so much.

Blah. I hate the summer. But yet I love it- it's so wonderful in some ways, but so horrible in its restlessness. And therein lies the paradox.

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04 July 2008 @ 10:10 pm

This is pretty boring... but, at least it's an entry, right?

My new goal is to update more frequently so that I can actually start writing about what is going on in my life. When I write entries on a monthly basis, they are more of a "hey, everything is going well, yada yada, I hope to write more soon" kind of thing. I never get to write about what is actually going on in my life.

Last weekend I spent my three days off going to Minnesota with Doug and his family for their annual summer get-together with family at his grandparents' lake house. All in all, it wasn't too traumatic at all. Everyone was very nice to me and very accepting, and I didn't feel left out at all. The only part that caught me slightly off-guard is that I had to sleep outside in a tent, which I wasn't expecting. So, I was a little sleep deprived (because sleeping on the cold ground with a huge tree root under my sleeping bag and three other snoring people around me during an unnaturally chilly summer cold spell in Minnesota doesn't equal a whole heck of a lot of sleep for Amy) but it was okay. I found the whole thing pretty relaxing, actually. At the lake house, no one really worries about appearances. Thus, I didn't shower the whole time I was there, and neither did anyone else. I spent half of the time in my pajamas and wore the same outfit almost the whole time I was there that I wasn't sleeping. Our big adventure was a trip to town to go to WalMart. (Which, as Jenny (Doug's sister) said, makes them look pretty white trash- piling the whole family into vans to take a trip to WalMart, heh.)

All in all, it was a good weekend. I feel like I've been exhausted since then, though. I couldn't pull myself out of being tired for a few days- plus I felt like I was coming down with something. I'm not sick though, I think it was more just the fatigue working against me.

The good news? I officially have an apartment in Lincoln come August! So, I've been looking for furniture and I ended up dropping way too much money at Nebraska Furniture Mart wednesday buying a new couch. Thus, I feel poor again, but that's okay I guess. I figure that will be a theme next semester, so I might as well get used to it.

And, might I add about next semester... I'm terrified. Student teaching starts on August 18th and I'm starting to get a little nervous. But, I figure I still have a month before I have to start thinking about that. Thus, I'll push it out of my brain until now. There are happier things to think about before that happens, anyway.

Such as my -1 year anniversary with Doug! Yay! (Yes, we are going out to celebrate this, because we're nerds like that). And my birthday! And my new apartment! And Breaking Dawn! And the end of my days at BNS! See... lots of things to look forward to before student teaching rolls around.

So, that's my slightly boring but information-filled entry for the evening. Sorry it's kind of lack luster... I just got off my shift at BNS and I'm pretty tired, I'm not going to lie. Having to close on the 4th of July really sucks. So, that's all for now. Until next time, adios...

-Amy

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22 June 2008 @ 07:42 pm

Fighting the silhouette

Summer is in full swing, sweeping me up and taking me away just as it always seems to do. I'm back at BNS, working my days away at that silly job. They still don't respect me like they should, and the gossip mills are turning even more this summer than in summer's past. (Not to mention the fact that lots of this is my fault, just because I accidentally almost got two of my co-workers fired. But that's another story for another day, I'd say. It's kind of embarrassing. And upsetting. All at once.) So, there's BNS. And to be honest, there isn't much else.

The rest of my days are basically spent recovering from my shifts at BNS and hanging out with my sister. Once a week I see Doug, which is refreshing and generally the highlight of my week. It's hard being so far away from him, but things are generally going well with us. Which is good, since we're engaged and all... :)

I hardly see Age at all. I saw her on Friday and on that day it had been two months since I'd seen her. Two months- that has to be a record. Which is kind of sad, really. It was nice to see her though. But it was almost strange. It almost seemed sort of... halted. Our conversations didn't flow as easily as they used to. We're growing even further apart as these months passed and we become less and less like each other. She's married, I'm not. She's got a real job, I'm still a college student. She lives in Omaha and I'll be living in Lincoln again come August. It's hard to think of myself sans Age.

So... those are my days. 39 hours of BNS per week, watching movies with my sister, and reading of course. Since I couldn't fail to mention my new obsession with the Twilight saga, since it's engulfed my life recently.

I can't have all these gaps between entries anymore. It's too hard to say all that needs to be said when I'm only writing once a month (or less, as it turns out to be often). I want to write more. I want to be able to write about the details of my life, not just the outlines. I want my journal to be more than a silhouette again. I want it to have substance. I want to promise to write soon, and I want to keep my promises. Will I fulfill my wants? Only time will tell, I guess.

Until next time (whenever that may be), adios...

-Amy

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03 June 2008 @ 02:46 pm

(no subject)

I don't know if I'm girly enough to be a bride. Really.

I went wedding dress shopping with my mom and sisters today and the whole thing was so... girly. I mean seriously- I don't think I've ever seen as much lace, satin, ribbon, taffeta, etc in one place. And I put on these dresses and they're all just so... whoa. I put them on, look at myself in the mirror, and think "holy crap, I'm going to be a bride." I don't know if I'm cut out for this yet.

I did manage to find a few dresses that I really liked, however. Two in particular- one of the two is definitely the front runner right now.

By the way, David's Bridal scares me. Really, it does. I'm now determined to not buy my wedding dress there, which sounds kind of silly and impractical, but it's true. The people just kind of freaked me out.

On a totally random wedding note, my sister has been looking into photographers for me and last night she was showing me one of their websites. On the website the photos were organized by each individual wedding and you would click on the names of the bride and groom and it would take you to their wedding. So she said, "Okay, which couple do you want me to click on?" Then I spotted a pair of names that I knew I HAD to choose. I chose a couple named Jessica and Marcus- in honor of my favorite series of books ever- Megan McCafferty's books. It was ironic. And wonderful.

Just a note, I've done most of the technical stuff for the wedding- meaning I've secured the date, church, and reception hall. I'm pretty excited about it all.

But still.... I'm not quite sure I'm ready to be as girly as is necessary to be a bride.

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29 April 2008 @ 03:40 pm

Apparently wedding = stress.

So, I've only been engaged for 10 days and I can already tell that this whole wedding plan thing is going to be insane.

Why is it going to be insane?

For all of the following reasons (and probably lots more that I can't even think of right now):

1. Doug has an insane amount of family members and an insane amount of friends. I've always thought of my extended family as being large, but his puts mine to shame. Then there are his friends. All of this equals a gigantic wedding- 150+ people.

2. I have to book the church. And the reception hall. And I have to make sure that the church and the reception hall have dates that match up.

3. Then there's the photographer. And the caterer. And a DJ. Who all have to be available on that day.

4. I don't even get to do any of the fun stuff-- i.e. shopping for a wedding dress, flowers, invitations, etc-- until all of that gets figured out. But, I'll need a dress. And I'll need bridesmaid dresses. And dresses for the flower girls (my niece and Doug's niece). And Doug will have to do something about figuring out what he is going to wear and what his groomsmen are going to wear.

5. Then there's the whole evening out the wedding party thing we've been dealing with. Doug has many friends, I do not. But I for some reason didn't realize that I should involve Doug's sisters until last week. So, we've finally got it evened out- one maid of honor (Age), four bridesmaids (my two sisters and his two sisters), one best man (one of doug's best friends), and four groomsmen (doug's brother-in-law, and three of his friends). And two flower girls. All of this equals one freakishly large wedding party...

6. Oh, and there's the ceremony. I'm Catholic, Doug is Catholic, so it makes sense that we'll have it in a Catholic church. But we can't really agree on whether we want to have the traditional catholic ceremony or the sort of half-ceremony. The traditional ceremony involves a full catholic mass, while the half-ceremony involes a much shortened version that includes the regular wedding stuff minus the catholic mass. I'm all for the half-ceremony, Doug wants the full ceremony (even though we're not very catholic people, either of us.)

7. Then there's all the little things... like decorating the hall, decorating the church, getting the music together for the ceremony, getting bridesmaid gifts and groomsmen gifts, figuring out the menu, finding wedding bands (since, apparently, I can't just use my engagement ring, I have to have a wedding band too), etc.

It seems like it really shouldn't be as stressful as it is. I mean, I'm getting married. Really, I don't even care about the wedding. If I could go off and get married tomorrow to Doug without all this big wedding-reception-hoopla, I would be completely happy. To me, the wedding just equals a lot of stress and a loooot of money.

But, at the same time, I'm excited. I really am. I can't help it. I'm constantly thinking about it, and I'm excited to get to do it all. I just kind of want it all to be here right now, so that I could enjoy myself and not have to go through all the stress of planning and coordinating.

So... that's what's pretty much been encompassing my thoughts for the past few days. Figuring all of this out. I have to book the church and the reception hall ASAP, and once that is done, I'll feel better about this all.

It doesn't help that it's dead week and I have a million school-related things to do. If I could just push this out of my mind until next Wednesday, that would be amazing.

I don't mean for this to sound as negative as it probably does. I really am excited. I'm just also really am stressed...

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20 April 2008 @ 09:32 pm

I've got the world on a string, sitting on a rainbow...

Well, I think it's safe to say that things have definitely changed in the past few days. I apologize for the lack of updates, but things have been so crazy this weekend. I feel like I've been in a constant whirlwind of activity. The first thing to note, though is this: I am happy. So completely and totally happy.

Why? Because I got engaged this weekend.

So, here's the story:

Doug and I have been spending an impossible amount of time apart recently. We haven't had a weekend together in over a month because we've both had crazy schedules recently. First there was spring break. Then Doug was out of town for a convention. Then I was out of town for my sister's art show. Then Doug was out of town for ANOTHER convention.

We both were very excited for this weekend because we knew that it was pretty much going to be our only weekend together until the weekend before finals week. So Doug said, "Let's do it right. Let's go out on the town Friday night." He decided that we'd go out to dinner at a local pizza place and then go see "Forgetting Sarah Marshall," because I really wanted to see that movie. (Jason Segel!!) He kept talking about how excited he was and how great it was going to be, and I did as well. I was so happy to finally be spending the weekend together. Weekends are generally our time. We're both busy during the week and we have such opposing schedules, so weekends are usually our only time to really spend together and have fun.

So, Friday rolled around and I was ecstatic for the end of another crazy week. He showed up at my door at about 5:30 and he was looking very snazzy. I really should have known then what was going on. We walked downtown and he remarked on how the weather was clearing up: it had been raining for a couple of days, including that morning, and finally the clouds were beginning to thin out. We went and ate dinner at the pizza place and then sat and talked for a bit before heading over to the theater.

We saw Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which is wonderful by the way! Jason Segel is wonderful! Of course, I'm still obsessed with him from his Freaks and Geeks days, and thus my obsession with seeing this movie. It was funny and enjoyable and it was just what I needed after a long, stressful week.

After the movie, we walked out of the theater and Doug was like, "what should we do now?" And I was like, "I don't know. What do you want to do?" He suggested that we take a walk and I whole heartedly agreed, saying we hadn't taken a walk around campus in a long time.

We began walking and he seemed very nervous. I asked him if he was cold, because it sounded like he was shivering, and he said "no, I'm alright." We walked around the stadium and he sort of veered me toward the columns by the stadium (which have been dubbed "the kissing columns" and have some story behind them that I can't quite remember the details of anymore).

Okay, let's take a moment for a side note to explain something. Back when Doug and I first started going out, I'd say about a month into our relationship, we went on a date where we went to dinner and then to a movie, and then took a walk around campus at night. I know I wrote about this date because it has extreme significance to us, because I always tell him that it was by the kissing columns that night when we talked and kissed under the moonlight that I realized that I loved him.

So, back to the present. So, Doug directs me toward the kissing columns, pulls me inside the columns, and wraps me up in a big hug. By this point, I'm definitely suspicious (which I'll explain a bit later). I knew what was happening. He started to tell me how much he cares about me, how much I mean to him, and how much I've done for him the past year and a half. He tells me that he couldn't live without me and that I'm the most important person in his life. He also said a whole lot of other stuff that I honestly can't even remember because I was so shocked-excited-scared-happy-emotional all at once. He then got down on his knee, I exclaimed "Oh my God, Doug!", he pulled out a ring, and he said, "Amy, will you marry me?"

I didn't even hesitate. He'd hardly gotten the words before I said yes. The ring slid on my finger, and he hopped back up and we hugged for forever.

It was absolutely perfect. Honestly. It was perfect.

Let's take another kind of side note... well, not really a side note, but let me explain. In my head, whenever I thought of how I would want Doug to propose to me, that is exactly how I wanted him to do it. Exactly. When we walked around that night last year and talked, that was the night that I realized that I loved Doug. I wasn't sure where we would go or how long we would last, but I knew that we were meant for each other. He talked to me about how he'd been so lost when he was a sophomore and so sad and alone, and I thought to myself "That's exactly how I was sophomore year." And it was then that I realized that we were two lost people who had finally found each other. And that is the night that I knew that I loved him.

So in my mind I eventually came up with this absolutely-perfect-but-never-expect-it-to-actually-happy way in which I would want Doug to propose. I wanted him to recreate that night- dinner, movie, walk to the kissing columns. I never thought it would happen, but it did.

When we went to see the movie on friday night, something in my mind triggered. I got excited and nervous. I thought to myself, "this is how I wanted him to propose! If it were to be like I imagined it, he would take me on a walk after the movie and we'd go to the kissing columns." I pushed the thought out of my brain, though, because I really didn't want to get myself disappointed when it didn't happen afterward. After all, I thought he would never do it the way I'd imagined it.

Then after the movie he wanted to go on a walk. My insides were all jumpy. I thought, "could it be true?" But immediately said, "no, it's not like he can read your mind. He's not going to know how you want him to propose! Stop getting yourself all worked up!"

Then we walked to the kissing columns, and I knew. I just knew. And I was right. And Doug proposed to me in the exact way that I'd always wanted him to.

I'm still amazed. I really am. It's all still kind of surreal to me.

So it's been an exciting weekend. Probably one of the best, if not THE best, weekends I've ever had. Friday night we spent in ecstatic splendor- calling all the people we know and just being so, so happy. Saturday was spent at the Nebraska Spring Red-White game and then going out to dinner with my parents. Today was spent at Adrienne's wedding.

Which, by the way, is another thing to note. Adrienne and H got married today. It's kind of crazy, actually. Things have gone very fast. Over the past month or so I've gone from totally not being in support of her getting married, to realizing that it's either support her or have her be out of her life, to being cautiously supportive. And today it happened. I drove to H's mom's house and watched my best friend become a wife. It was a nice ceremony. But as they read their vows, I couldn't help but feel the small part of me that doesn't think this is the right way for things to go. I guess only time will tell, but I honestly hope that small part of me is wrong. I want the best for Adrienne and H.

So... it's been quite the weekend. Not only did all of that stuff happen, but I found out that I was recognized as the Outstanding FCS Education Student of the year in my college! I got the letter on saturday. Apparently they choose one senior per year, and I got it! This weekend really couldn't have gotten any better.

So, that's what's been going on. It's been crazy. As for right now, I think I need to turn off the lights and get some much-needed sleep before starting up another week. I will hopefully update again soon. Sorry again for the delay! So, until next time, adios...

-Amy

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24 March 2008 @ 06:37 pm

(no subject)

It's funny how little self control I have. I like to think of myself as a fairly level-headed person, but when it comes to self control, I honestly have none.

My parents like to say that I do. They say that I'm the most self-controlled of their daughters. Mainly, they say this because I didn't spend my entire college career calling up and asking for more money.

But really, I have no self control. Just look at my DVD collection. I've gotten incredibly weak when it comes to buying DVDs. It's gotten especially bad this year as my DVD collection approaches the 100 mark... and that doesn't even count my TV on DVDs.

And then there's candy. Candy is my ultimate weakness. I finally crawled out from underneath the burden of my load of Christmas candy, and then came Valentine's day. I finally finished my V-Day candy, and then comes Easter. My parents love to give me candy for holidays.

I'm gaining weight. It's imperceptible to most, but I can feel it. Not to mention the fact that the hands on the scale are slowly creeping upward. I lost my N Card a week or so ago (my school ID) and had to get a new one. As strange as it sounds, this is the first time I REALLY noticed the weight gain. You see, I've had my N Card since I was a freshman. For four years I've stared at the same picture every single day. Then I lose my N Card, get a new one with a new picture, and suddenly I'm staring at a new face. An older looking me... and I can see it in my face. I've steadily been gaining weight and it's kind of depressing.

I need some self control. Seriously. And all I can think about are the jelly beans sitting in my easter basket across the room on my desk.

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07 March 2008 @ 08:05 pm

Another drop in the tidal wave of quicksand...

It's interesting how life keeps moving forward. I'm feeling kind of paralyzed right now- life is stuck. I'm waiting. This semester all of a sudden got really crazy about a week and a half ago and since that time I have been struggling to keep up- attempting to get everything that needs to get done completed and trying to breathe at the same time.

School has been crazy, but I can deal with it. Honestly, I can. I have a TLP due in my teaching methods class next week. A TLP is basically a week-long lesson plan. Up until this point, I've only ever done day-long lesson plans, and those take approximately five hours for me to complete. So, you can imagine how long the TLP is taking. I'd say I've put in about ten hours so far and I'll be working on it for the rest of the weekend. So, that's due Tuesday and that's really the last thing I have due until after spring break. Spring break... sigh. As of Thursday March 14th at 7:40 p.m. I will be on spring break through Sunday the 23rd.

So what in my life is so crazy, you ask?

Well, Adrienne is getting married. That's right... that's what I said. She's getting married. This month. To get into the whole big ordeal would take way more words that I'm able to write right now, but basically it comes down to the government. Adrienne's boyfriend (or... I guess he's technically now her fiance) isn't from this country. H (as I believe I have been calling him) is from Japan and he's been here on a student visa for the past who knows how many years. But as of August 1st, his visa runs out and he will be deported. That is, unless he gets married. So, Adrienne is getting married.

Believe me, I have spent hours going over and over this in my head... thinking about how she could possibly be ruining her life... lamenting over the fact that she has to commit to this so soon, sooner than she'd really like... thinking that I want to tell her to just stop. Stop. Adrienne and I have had a few long conversations over the past month or two (from the time which she realized she'd have to get married to him for him to stay here, in about december) and I've expressed my trepidations and she's totally understood and agreed. And I kept thinking to myself, "this is too soon. I should stop this."

I came to the realization, however, that it's happening. It's happening no matter what trepidations there are. And I'd much, much rather be on Adrienne's side than on any other side. So, I'm supporting her. I went to dinner with Brian C. (the one who used to be (and apparently still is) infatuated with Adrienne) and we had a long chat about it. He's really very worried about the whole ordeal and thinks we should keep trying to stop it. I agree that it's definitely not the ideal situation, but I'm backing Adrienne. She's my best friend in the entire world and without her I would never be where I am today. She has been behind me so many times I can't even count anymore, and now it's my turn to be behind her.

So, my best friend is getting married. She's going to be a wife. It's all just kind of crazy.

Doug and I are still stuck in the stand-still, by the way. Apparently he's still not ready. Almost four months after the day on which he said he would be proposing to me, and he still hasn't. I'm not even expecting anything before summer's end. It's discouraging. But apparently waiting is the name of my game.

Anyway, it's been kind of crazy. But you know what? I'm dealing. Soon it will be spring break and that will be a nice break. And then will come the rest of the semester- I'll budget my time, complete my tasks, and push through... just as I have every other semester.

Last semester of classes. Oh how sweet.

That's all for now. Until next time, adios...

-Amy

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29 February 2008 @ 09:07 pm

Thoughts meander like a restless wind inside a letter box...

Life has been rather interesting in that non-interesting sort of way that only I seem to be able to accomplish. I feel like everything has been flying by, but yet I've been getting nothing done at all.

I hardly have time to update, so I probably shouldn't be doing so at all.

I just felt so... absent. So void. I feel as if I'm disappearing from this world that I've built around me. I feel as if my silhouette is slowly fading... ever so slowly. So slowly that no one will even notice until it's gone.

Things are fine. Don't get me wrong. I mean... things aren't great by any means, but I'm getting by. My classes are pretty fun (for the most part) this semester, and I really like my practicum placement. And Doug and I are alright. (Not jump-up-and-down Fantastic or anything, but just normal.) I just feel... I don't know.

I feel stuck. I feel as if I'm grasping for something that's no longer there. I feel as if I'm ruining myself.

I won't mention the names that have been running through my mind of people past. The apparitions of memories that I see in the faces of those who pass me on the sidewalk. I'm much too stuck in the past. I need to pull myself out of this funk and back into the present. If not, I might ruin myself. Really.

Real update soon... I hope.

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06 February 2008 @ 01:41 am

Come on baby blue... shake up your tired eyes, the world is waiting for you.

I was going to go to sleep. After all, it's 1:45 in the morning- definitely not the right time to be starting a journal entry. Especially when one is as long-winded as I usually am in my journal entries.

But I've had this itch to write. It's been tingling at the tips of my fingers for days, and I just can't squelch it. I managed to ease my desire a bit last night with a short bout of poetry and fiction writing, but it's still around. I've been sitting here for days thinking that I should update my journal, and now that I'm here, I don't know what to say. I feel like everything is moving one hundred miles per hour, but yet I'm standing completely still.

My mind has been a tumble of thoughts, fears, and emotions for a couple weeks now. At any given moment, I was worrying about any or all of the following things: Where am I going to live next year? Where am I going to live this summer? Where am I going to live after graduation since I can't live in Nebraska and make money as a teacher? What am I going to do with myself after graduation? Am I really cut out for teaching? Will Doug ever propose to me? Why all the hesitation? Where am I going to work this summer? How am I going to find the money to live next year?

I don't know where to live next semester. Or this summer, for that matter. My original thought (that being after my original original thought was shattered by Doug revealing that his parents don't agree to our cohabitation) was that I'd get an apartment here in Lincoln in May and work somewhere here over the summer- probably the Nebraska Book Co. that gives you 40 plus hours per week for eight dollars an hour lugging books around their warehouse and is totally fine with you only working for a summer. Then I started to think... why not Omaha? My mind was all of a sudden entranced by the idea of going back to Omaha for the summer where I could live rent-free and get free food and be able to go garage sale-ing all summer to find cheap furniture for my apartment.

The downfall? Obviously the fact that I'd most likely be going back to BNS for the summer, a place i swore I was done and over with at the end of last summer. The other downfall? The lack of Doug in Omaha.

All of my other fears and thoughts are kind of hypothetical. I don't know what I want to do with myself after college. I'm not one hundred percent convinced that I'm cut out to be a teacher. Once I have my degree, it would be semi-easy for me to get a job in another field slightly related to my major, so it's definitely something to consider. I don't know... I don't know what to do. I don't know anything anymore.

And Doug won't propose to me. And I can't start thinking about my future. And it's like he's taken that privilege away from me. It sounds stupid, but I've spent the last year thinking about getting married and being with him forever... and by his telling me that we won't be getting engaged any time soon, it's like he took the privilede of me being able to dream about this away. As he says, it's all going to still happen, but still. This is really silly, but for months and months, I've been trying to think of what song we'd dance to at our wedding reception. I know, I know- one of the dumbest and smallest things to think about. But I have been, nevertheless. I literally started going through my itunes and making a list. I even downloaded songs I'd heard in movies that I loved and that I thought would work. Now I just feel rather dumb about the whole thing. I have this itunes playlist sitting on my computer full of songs that make me ache inside.

And I still have no idea. I love Doug. I really, really do. It just still hurts inside sometimes. So instead I'll sit here with Oasis's "Let There be Love," Mazzy Star's "Fade into You," The Pogues' "Love you 'Till the End," David Gray's "This Years Love," etc... all running mercilessly through my head. And I'll wait. Because he's worth waiting for, despite my disappointment, he's worth it. And I guess that's how I know. That this is real.

In other news, this election has gotten me in quite the tizzy lately. I'm way more excited about politics than I ever have been before. I'm not going to go on a rant, rambling on and on about my choice candidate, but I'm just so excited. So excited for the first time in years, and it makes me smile to see the election raising the hopes of so many hopeless young people. I'm hopefully going to caucus on saturday and I'm ecstatic.

So, it's now 2 a.m. and although my obligations for the morning have been cancelled because of the snow, I should rest my eyes and sleep. I definitely need it. Sorry if this entry was a little weird and/or I whined a lot. I really didn't mean to. Sometimes I just get a little overtaken with my emotions. So, until next time, adios...

-Amy

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08 January 2008 @ 01:14 am

(no subject)

Things are paused. Paused, it seems, indefinitely. I feel as if I'm totally stuck. Stuck in this place where I don't want to be and paralyzed from moving to where I want to go.

As stated in the previous entry, I'm not engaged. And as stated in the entry before that, I apparently won't be for quite some time.

I'm not engaged.

And... I'll be living alone next year. No longer will I be living with Doug.

Why? Because his parents don't approve. Which, because I was raised Catholic as well, I can understand, but seriously. I mean, seriously. They can't be that naive. Naive enough to believe this innocence in their children that doesn't exist. Not in Doug, not in his younger sister.

So, I'll live alone. Which, yes, will cost probably twice as much, but, what can I do? Nothing. It's out of my control. Just as everything is out of my control. The future that I was picturing and building for myself is now completely erased, and I have absolutely no control over it.

The shadows on the wall tell me that the sun is going down. What does it mean? There's a shift. Almost imperceptible to those who are not paying attention. The shadows on the wall are telling me... they're letting me in on their secret. The sun is setting... slowly, but surely. And there's absolutely nothing I can do about it.

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05 January 2008 @ 04:29 pm

The shadow on the wall tells me the sun is going down...

Yup, he didn't propose. With every gift I opened on Christmas from him, I thought, "maybe this is really an engagement ring and he just was trying to throw me off..." But, no. No engagement. Then came New Year's Eve, and I thought, "hey, maybe he wanted to be all romantic and propose as the year switches over..." But no. No engagement.

And at this point, I'm not really sure what to think. Because he has yet to give me a good excuse, and actually now just won't talk about it anymore. So all I have left to do is sit and think about it. Think, think, think. Because it's not like I can talk about it with anyone because the whole thing is so fucking hush hush that I can't say ANYTHING to anyone. I can't talk to my mother- who is the only person who can help me work through this right now.

I hung out with Age yesterday, and because she knows about the whole engagement ordeal, I was so relieved to finally be able to talk to someone. And she listened, she really did. But then, at the same time, amidst all of my upset ranting about how my relationship is suddenly going nowhere for no apparent reasoning, she kept talking about how H is going to propose to her. And they talk about it all the time. And he's trying to find a ring for her. And he's gotten all of these jewelry catalogs and he gave them to her to circle which ones she liked. And as she's going on and on about this, I'm thinking... Are you serious? Are you freaking serious? I'm happy for you (I guess... I'm not quite sure I agree with this whole thing. I mean, they've been dating what? Six months? Isn't that a little fast. But, I'll get to all my insecurities on that issue on a different day) but are you freaking serious? Do you have to go on and on about how you're going to get engaged very soon when your best friend just found out that the engagement that she was just expecting to happen, isn't going to happen. It just seemed so... rude. Kind of mean. You know? It just kind of hurt me. I am happy for her, and she's allowed to be happy, but I don't need it rubbed in my face.

So, I'm not engaged. My one last hope is that he's holding out for the anniversary of when he told me that he'd propose to me if we were still as happy in a year. Which is on January 18th. Other than that, I don't know what to think. He's backing out. He's running away. He's scared. And I don't know why... I don't know what to think anymore. I never knew I was so scary that he would break such a huge promise that he made to me.

But, enough of that blah blah. I'm so sick of thinking about it.

Christmas went well. I got to have a lot of nice family time, which was nice. I got lots of DVDs and clothes, which is just what I wanted. Doug ended up getting me a series of gifts with the theme of "Helping Amy Relax When She's Super Stressed": an electric blanket, a super-soft robe, massaging slippers, and an electronic sudoku/crossword puzzle game. They were all very nicely thought out, and I enjoyed the gift. Then New Year's Eve rolled around. Doug and I went to a New Year's Eve Pajama Party at one of his sister's friends houses. Which was fun, but kind of awkward. Not to mention the fact that I was sick, so I was tired and not that into it. But, I enjoyed myself.

Then, I got even more sick. Then, I started to get better, but then, lost my voice. But now... finally... I'm feeling better and my voice is struggling to restore itself.

Winter break is slowly coming to an end, and I have to say, I'm disappointed. I really enjoyed my break, and I'm not really ready to go back to school. Back to the stress of classes and back to that lonely dorm room. Next semester my classes are mainly night classes, because that's just how my schedule worked out. That's good and bad all at once. Night classes can be so long and boring. But, it's nice to get to sleep in. But, at the same time, I have a practicum next semester so the odds that I'll get to sleep in are slim to none.

It will be okay though. Spring semester usually seems to drag, but I'm hoping this one won't. I have no idea what to expect of what's to come. I don't know how I'll deal with this semester, I don't know where I'm going to live once I move out of the dorms, I don't know where I'll earn money this summer working, I don't know where I'm going to student teach in the fall. But it will all work out. It will all come together. Won't it?

Anyway, that's all for today. Hopefully next time I won't be so down. I'd like to be in a better mood.

-Amy

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